@hiitsmolly: all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it's gone
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@OmarImranTweets: "Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop" Ok hold up *pulls out iphone* "Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop" ISIS:"ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?"
@mugkip: "DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT" doc: u got lou gherrigs disease *cops barge in* ur under arrest "FOR WHAT" cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
@Petote: A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn't cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
@slaughthie: "Oh hey there, didn't recognize you with your cap on," I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.