All right stop, coagulate and thicken
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[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Things will get butter, keep churning
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.