As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
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“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
My Sentiments Exactly
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
The internet is full of many things
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.