If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
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If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class