All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
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Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!