All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
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We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
the red hot silly peppers
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.