Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
You Might Also Like
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Mad Max Arctic Road
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”