I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
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You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.