Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
(Electricians.)
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Get off my horse you stupid moon
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.