All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
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“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.