*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
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Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper