All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
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It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.