All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
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Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My wedding will be open casket.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.