All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
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I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago