@daveexplosm: All the guys in working out photos look like they're straining or in pain, but there's lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@sixfootcandy: How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out "Oh come on. Even I've done THAT!"
@carlyken: I need a career involving less interaction and more pizza. I've narrowed it down to: Pizza Farmer Pizza Hunter Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
@WhaJoTalkinBout: If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
@Playing_Dad: "POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP." Show me a badge. *cop gets badge out* I didn't say Simon Says. "Let's go home guys. Sorry, my fault."