@omgthatspunny: Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I love this joke because it never grows old.

@13spencer: Relationship advice: Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

@panmidwest: ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip] DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

@NoticablyBacon: Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

@MandiAtRandom: I'm an early bird and a night owl, so I'm basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon