All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
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Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
How animals would run if they were human
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.