ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
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Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
is this how new cars are made??
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?