“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
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I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé