All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
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my dog when i have a friend over
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.