All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
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[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
#SCOTUS one-star review
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
These work great until they don’t.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do