All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
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My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”