@TheAlexNevil: All the king's horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
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@Amburglar_: I hate when I'm getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says "my thumbs hurt." It's not like I ever say "My jaw hurts." I finish the job.
@internetluke: [snapchat HQ] Boss: anybody got anything good? Guy (who smoked weed instead of working): people with big eyes puking rainbows?
@VictorscarletJ: I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?
@birbigs: At jury duty they said, "You do not have to be fluent in English." So what you're supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.