@TheAlexNevil: All the king's horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
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@iwearaonesie: *wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist* "Dad are you coming too?" Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
@Mr_Bucky: My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades. But never locks her basement window.
@truegritrumble: ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes. WIFE: M: W: The laundry. M: No the dish... W: M: W: What? M: We need new dishes.
@decentbirthday: Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing? GF: really? Me: yeah George Foreman: that's interesting