All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
You Might Also Like
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!