Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
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Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I’d use my best pan on you.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
no such thing as a dumb question
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
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