Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
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beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Morning.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.