All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
When libraries troll their patrons.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.