All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
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If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.