“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
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We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
live, laugh, laundry.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”