All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
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I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf