All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
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Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Cinematography is my passion
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.