all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
You Might Also Like
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Friday
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take