“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
The news in a nutshell.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*