“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
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Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭