Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
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Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
The symmetry is uncanny.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
no!! no!!!!!!
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.