My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.