unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
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People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Succinctly put.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?