All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
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If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
peak technology
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.