“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
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Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.