You have been warned.
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American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Festive toon…
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.