All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
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My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me