Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
You Might Also Like
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
They did not think through this water fountain
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm