*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
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My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.