All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
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“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know