me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
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Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
A drum solo but on your face.