Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
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Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.