@kwirkyKerri: All these people on FB posting pics of their kids makes feel so blessed...I don't have ugly children.
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@jonnysun: DAD: wat am i chopped liver CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
@_Tempo11: Told my dog it's too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I'm a liar.
@brakco: Just another day grabbing random children by the shoulders and screaming "I'M YOU FROM THE "FUTURE!" in their faces..
@shopkins776: *Lying in hospital Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip