girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
You Might Also Like
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
scares
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Weirdly Wednesday.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen