All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
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Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent