All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
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“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
💁🏻♂️
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t