All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
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A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
won’t smith
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.