All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
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I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how