*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
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When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I will never stop laughing at this