@kellysdf: All those political ads are very convincing. They convinced me to stop watching television.
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@madeleinedoux: "the pizza boy is here" It's time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell
@MarlonBrandNO: [Date] (don't let her know you're an alien larva) Her: I wonder where he is? *I burst through her chest* Me: Did you order yet? I'm starved
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.