All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Sounds like a bargain
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
It has been 3 years since Monday.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?